Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
