Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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