Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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