you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
