I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
