Just fell off a train. Bad.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
