good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
