We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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