you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
