last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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