a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I party with great urgency now.
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