I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
