Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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