a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
