matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
