So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
