Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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