Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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