I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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