i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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