I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
