My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
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Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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