It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Randomize
