my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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