do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
