I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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