i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
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my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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