I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Send help, water and tortillas.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.