enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
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we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."