I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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