I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I need a beard to bite.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
