I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
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And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
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When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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