he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
