your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
