god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you will always have a special place in my vag
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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