I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
