How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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