Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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