what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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