I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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