i just wanna soil my oats bro
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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