The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
