my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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