and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
