Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
