I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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