I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
