At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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