mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
