Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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