i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
