somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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