I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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