sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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