My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
