My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
