I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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