bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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